The fun is dying.
I try so hard to be interesting. But why? I shouldn’t have to try at all and just be myself. Why am I putting so much effort to not be boring? Is it because I fear that if I’m being truly myself, he will lose interest in me? Everyone else find me interesting and I could carry a conversation with them but when I’m with him, even for fifteen minutes, there’s a long pause. A long silent tension. It’s not awkward. It’s just we don’t have anything to say to each other. I’m afraid to admit we are at the stage where we’re beginning to lose interest in each other. I tried to make it fun. I tried finding different things we could do together but it seems like we used up all the “fun cards” together. I just want him to stay. Hang out with me and enjoy each others’ company. But it’s slowly beginning to die down. We only see each other once a week and we barely talk to each other. Is that time coming now? The fun sizzled down. So what now?
It was 11 pm and we met up at the rose garden. It was dark, quiet, and the perfect place to sit down and have a talk. We both had blankets wrapped around us and a cup of hot drink in our hands. On the bench, body side by side, and faced each other, we talked about our day. There was a few awkward pauses since we haven’t seen each other in a while and I could he missed hanging out with me. The poor thing looked so exhausted and sleepy. He needed sleep but couldn’t because of his architecture project. He couldn’t keep up with the conversation so he decided to just lay his head on my lap. I put my arms around him and stroked his soft hand. It was quiet and relaxing. Even though we weren’t really talking, I enjoyed this simple moment.
No Redos.
If only life was as easy as typing up something on the computer.
It would be so sweet to be able to go back into a conversation and edit the things you said. Imagine all of the arguments you could fix. Think about the countless hours upon hours upon hours of stress you could save from erasing the one thing you said to a loved one that made everything start going downhill.
But, unfortunately, as we all know too well…time does not stop. There is no pause/rewind button. You can’t always go back and edit the things you said. You can merely re-examine the situation and do things differently later on. The initial hurt remains. It’s unchanged. Everything continues. You can’t ever erase the past. You can merely cope with it and move on with your life.
That’s the only option there is.
What’s done, is done.
There are so many things I’d love the chance to redo. I’d be lying if I said I lived my life without regrets. The only thing I can do now is try to live my life to the best that I can.
It’s a little morbid, but when I think about those final moments I’ll have someday, the last thing I would want them to be filled with is regret.
You can’t redo things in life. So, pay attention ahead of time and do everything the best you can.
Losing interest.
My biggest fear when entering new relationships is having the other guy losing interest in me. I know it’s normal for one to lose interest but I feel like I’m a fun guy to be around. I’m mysterious and I love being adventurous. When I go out on dates, I like to be the one to plan it and I like to make sure the date is something fun and new for the other guy. But after the honey phase, things starts to be the same and maybe one of us is looking for something new. Sometimes it blows my mind when I know couples who’ve been together for so long. I would like that kind if relationship, but I wonder if there’s someone who’s willing to stick around once the fun excitement phase goes away. It’s already hard enough trying to keep a conversation flowing when hanging out together so trying to do this everyday for a long time is going to be more difficult. But hopefully he’s going to stick around and see that I have a lot to offer. Because I think I really like him. It’s only a matter of time until we go out on our first date.
